Letters On Chest
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Harley Girl
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ... a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot goes into a bar after a long day of fighter plane piloting and quickly meets a lady. A few drinks and a short time later they are back at Jacques’ apartment. Soon enough they a kissing but Jacques stops, grabs some red wine and pours it over her lips.
She asks “Jacques, what are you doing?”
He replies: “I’m Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot and when I have red meat I have to have red wine.”
“Oh, how sweet” she comments.
Not long after Jacques is a bit lower, kissing her breasts, but again he stops, grabs some white wine and pours it all over her breasts.
She yelps “Jacques, what are you doing?”
He replies: “I’m Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot and when I have white meat I have to have white wine.”
“Oh, how sweet” she comments.
Not long after Jacques has moved his way down lower.
She’s moaning in pleasure when Jacques again stops, grabs some brandy, pours it all over her and lights it on fire.
This time she screams Jacques, what are you doing?”
“I’m Jacques, the world’s greatest fighter plane pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames.”
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria. Escherichia coli bacteria is found in feces,
in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer
or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POOP
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poop, drink WINE!!!
Therefore: It is better to drink wine and talk like crap than to drink water and be
full of sh it.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
Have a nice day...
A beautiful young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
" No way, " says the second. " By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food. "
" I promise I won't, " says the turtle. " Just hurry! "
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, " I knew it! I'm not f-cking going! "
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.